Movie Review: ‘The Wolfman’ – Sucked!

Sorry, its true.

There’s no way around it. This movie sucked hairy coconut balls. Have you ever licked a hairy coconut? even on a dare? (raises hand) – then you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. No matter how yummy and tasty and milky and creamy (suddenly thinking of Scarlet Johannsen) the inside of a coconut is – with the wrong execution you are stuck fiddling with a hairy ball.

But enough about hairy coconuts. Let’s talk WOLFMAN.

(guess what?I got a secret….. i suck! Shhhh.)

So why exactly does ‘The Wolfman’ suck? I’ll tell you why.  .   .  Exciting prospect. Horrible execution.

‘The Wolfman’ should be good. Dammit, it should be great! It has the tasty Emily Blunt – in distress no less. It has horror. It has special fx, blood, and gore. It has del Toro and Anthony Hopkins for crying out loud. Throw in Hugo Weaving making those great faces that ONLY Hugo Weaving can make and we should all be celebrating. So why did i feel like I finished licking a hairy coconut?

The Goods:

plenty of gore and torn flesh. Fangora fans will be pleased.

The Bads:

Some fu*kin’ suspense, maybe? How about story development? How about pacing? tension? What a colossal waste of Benicio del Toro!

The Not-So Bads:

Agent Smith -aka- Elrond -aka- Hugo Weaving does all he can with his role as a  Scotland Yard detective. Emily Blunt is hot – but no nekkage?? Meh!

So here is my beef(s) with The Wolfman

* As a horror movie it wasn’t scary. There were no surprises and no eeriness. and no, dry ice fog doesn’t cut it anymore.

* As a period movie I did no’t feel transported to that era.

* As an obvious homage to classic horror cinema, I did not feel nostalgic.

* For this being 2010, the CG werewolf FX was pure ass.

* del Toro’s character is a Victorian-trained Shakespearean actor – yet had some of the worst dialogue in the entire movie!

* Let’s throw logic out the room and waste hundreds of rounds of ammo on a known enemy – without using ONE SILVER BULLET.

*Hey Anthony Hopkins, we didn’t know immediately that YOU were the original werewolf that attacked in the beginning! Cuz’ you know….your character was soooo beguiling and clever – we NEVER saw that coming! (now if Emily Blunt turned out to be the killer, that woulda been awesome 🙂  )

SO you see the problem? There was so much wrong with this movie, that I wasted too much time picking it apart rather than just enjoy it. And i really wanted to enjoy it.

It’s just that ‘Wolfman’ felt real ‘paint-by-numbers’. It clocks in at 1hr 40min, but Bob Ross could have easily whipped this flick out like a ‘Happy Little Horror Movie’ in 30 minutes flat! lol  There was just NO emotional investment in any characters. No sense of loss; no sense of foreboding doom; no sense of urgency or terror….

SO THE WHOLE MOVIE BOILS DOWN TO THIS:

Benicio del Toro in a bad acting role, rocking horrible throwback makeup.

Anthony Hopkins as the – ‘SURPRISE!’- werewolf bad daddy.

Emily Blunt does not show skin.

Hugo Weaving as Detective Hugo Weaving – which was cool. 😀

…and lots of victims.

You want my advice? Netflix or Redbox the completely satisfying Dog Soldiers’ – or re-watch any part of the awesome Underworld series. Or hell…..just watch the classic American Werewolf in London. But save your money on this blah.

GRADE: C-

and in the awesome words of 1970s, tiara-rocking Luke Cage….

“A mutha-lovin’, ever-funkin’ C-minus! – SUCKA!”

-Jay, the movie dude

This entry was posted in New Releases, The Casting Couch: Comic Book movies. and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Movie Review: ‘The Wolfman’ – Sucked!

  1. hamza says:

    I have watched it but would see it soon!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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