2CBG Movie Review: ‘Life’ -hack, Alien rip.

      “In space, no one can hear your plot retreads.”

Life_(2017_film)

30-Second Review:

Clever concept which settles for treading into very familiar territory. Which is too bad. This could have been a cult-classic a’la ‘Event Horizon’. Although, the payoff at the end is pretty awesome 😀

FULL REVIEW:

‘Life’ is a sci-fi horror movie that reminds us that some things are best left undiscovered. Like with the original Jurassic Park – splicing extinct genes with modern animal DNA and recreating Stegosaurus’ sounds like a wonderful idea! –unnntil the dinosaurs start eating people.

And as such, ‘Life’ starts off innocent enough. The opening shot is a beautiful 5-minute space montage reminiscent of (the far superior movie) ‘Gravity‘. We are introduced to the characters and the labyrinthine space station. And we learn that the members aboard the ISS are rescuing a probe carrying soil samples from Mars. Then we quickly learn that those samples contain LIFE – life found outside of Earth! – Martian life!

Marvi

Ha! 😀 

Annnnd, they proceed to bring it aboard the station. Everything starts off innocent enough and, damn if the little Martian bugger isn’t kinda cute – with its foreboding jellyfish flagella flapping around all curiously! Awwww! 🙂 😛 …

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The crew announce its arrival via worldwide broadcast on social media, with much fanfare. Hell – they even name the alien ‘Calvin’.

Of course, from there, really bad shit happens.

Clearly, none of the crew has seen movies like Alien, the sequel Aliens, The Blob, The Thing, Prometheus, Jurassic Park, Gravity, or [pick a sci-fi horror’thriller]- and yet, early on, one crew member makes a nerd reference to the movie ‘The Re-animator’. Which lends itself to thinking ‘they DO exist in the world of what NOT to do in these situations.

If only they stuck with that train of thought…

But, this wouldn’t be much of a horror movie without checking off the List of Dumb Shit to Do in times of crisis. In fact, From watching so many horror movies with similar circumstances, I kinda knew how this would unfold.

BUT I will say this; Life starts off pretty unique. The first 30 minutes feel like something original and different. It is entirely possible that Life exists in the same ‘universe’ as Gravity. Maybe a later mission takes them back to space, and Sandra Bullock is the Ripley of the crew? I wanted to like this movie.

Unfortunately, the 2nd half of the movie nosedives into routine horror trope – and by the time the cuddly space spore grows full-sized, it becomes Alien meets Jaws.

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Within days, the cute little E.T. goes from precocious alien to monstrous space demon – and even grows what looks like a face. Really.

While horror movies anymore are rarely original (save, Cabin in the Woods – awesomeness!) we go in knowing that what we really want is to see different ways to watch people die, Mwuahahaha! >:)

And trust me, this crew goes out in some gruesome ways! But…It’s really hard to enjoy horror movies with the inescapable thought that MOST of the carnage could simply be avoided altogether by just exercising a touch of Common Sense.

And yet… we wouldn’t get any dead bodies, now would we? 😉

So tossing out common sense in the face of the Unknown, here is my special review of Life – which contains a list of Do’s and Do Nots to survive in horrible situations. 🙂

DO NOT

  • Make a movie which basically combined ‘Alien’ with ‘Gravity’. Hollywood, how lazy are we getting? I mean, Smh….

DO

    Exercise more caution dealing with an unknown alien life!

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Hell, I am more careful walking around on 6th Street at night…here in Austin, TX! Surely these astronauts can be a LOT more careful handling an alien bio-hazard.

DO NOT

  • Play with the dormant alien and thaw it out! MAYBE it is frozen in stasis for good reason?? (see: John Carpenter’s ‘THE THING’. classic)

DO NOT

  • Become fascinated with an alien life that evolves within a matter of DAYS. Does nobody exercise caution or skepticism? Security officer? BioEngineer?

DO

  • Explain why on Earth that poor rat was sitting there clamped down and helpless in a ‘Saw’-like head contraption! Really…What the shit. As soon as I saw the rat I was thinking “…..WHY?” Cruel and unusual punishment! What purpose did that serve? Obviously, it soon became alien stew. OBVIOUSLY.

DO NOT

  • Name an alien spore ‘Calvin’. As a matter of fact – don’t name alien spore anything! Just, don’t.

DO

  • Notify the ENTIRE crew beforehand of All. Three. Levels. – of safety protocols which involves everyone’s lives! Especially one that includes blasting you all into deep space! Why would you keep that a secret??

DO NOT

  • Provoke fate by …prodding it with a shock tool??? That doesn’t work well on HUMANS. Why do that on an? …eh, never mind. 😐

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in the history of Bad Ideas…

DO

  • Feel free to react in utter and sheer TERROR when tiny alien manages to effortlessly rip scientist hand apart. These guys are acting way too cool for school as their colleague is getting dismembered by a tiny space germ named ‘Calvin’ lol! Again…How does Safety Protocol 1, 2 and 3 NOT go into effect IMMEDIATELY? And this is when the alien still fits on a petri dish! In fact…

DO

  • jettison that fucker into DEEP COLD SPACE as soon as it EATS THE RAT. I mean….??

DO

  • Be smarter than the fledgling life form. Sure, it is intelligent life, but only comparatively smart…the same way a 5yr is smarter than a 1yr. But it shouldn’t be able to out-smart and out-maneuver a space station full of trained astronauts WHO LIVED THERE for years. Really??

DO NOT

  • try to kill a space alien with fire….INSIDE OF A space station. 😀 lord lord…. If you had to thaw it out to bring it to life in the first place – why not simply re-freeze it??

DO NOT

  • Wait so long to notify NASA/Houston that you ‘have a problem‘…in fact, a SERIOUS problem of epic f*ckin’ proportions! How do you go hours (days?) without communicating with Earth? Only to realize at the worst possible time, ‘Oh drat, our comms are down‘ –

DO

  • Sacrifice yourself AND kill the alien by cutting the tether and jumping out into space, thus saving all of humanity.

 

I know…it sounds like I am nitpicking here. Or maybe I got too caught up in my role of Black guy at Horror Movie lol 😛 – but there was a wealth of ‘WHY’-moments when I caught myself thinking out loud (“Don’t open that door!”)…

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seriously, do NOT open that door.

…about the amount of inane decisions made, which ultimately led to the possible demise of all of humankind on Earth.

“…this sounds illogical, but I really hate that thing” – said one very distraught astronaut. Which was probably the MOST logical thing said, but too late.

All in all, it wasn’t an entire waste of time. It’s fun watching A-list actors die horrifically lol and I enjoyed the first 1/3rd of the movie. The final 10 minutes are absolutely riveting and worth the payoff.

Everything in between, we’ve seen before and seen better.

3 out of 5 stars.

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2CBG MOVIE REVIEW: ‘Get Out’ – of your house and go see this movie!

“Get Out’ reminds me of every great horror movie I’ve ever seen, and why i love them”

30 Second Review: 

Considering that this is a debut feature from a first-time filmmaker, ‘Get Out’ is an instant classic! Has all the markings of a great horror movie + a social message. Comedian Jordan Peele establishes himself as a successful solo act and a household name. 🙂

GOmovie

Full Review:

‘Get Out’ is every Black Man’s worst fears…

Falling in love with that token Becky, that Cute White Chick – only to meet her folks and, they not only turn out to be RACIST – but also psycho. DAMN! Can’t a Brotha have some equal opportunity relations with a fair-skinned Cutie? Not in this movie. LOL 😛

British actor Daniel Kaluuya plays Chris Washington, a Black man dating a White girl who goes on a simple weekend to meet her folks, and shit goes very very bad for him. In fact, shit turns into a NIGHTMARE. And no, its not just because the food is bland and they are lacking hot sauce.

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Get Out is an unconventional horror movie which plays as a satire on the conventions of race, politics, and social status. See, there is Racism, and then there’s the other side of racism, the Liberal response, the Big Sister Nanny State, which uses Black paranoia to feed its own Leftist agenda. Only THIS agenda takes it waaaaaaaaaay a step further! lol – That Black paranoia is evident IMMEDIATELY in the opening scene and throughout.  – But we won’t even go THAT deep. In fact, Get Out reminds me of every great horror flick I’ve ever seen, and why I love them. Besides being a horror movie, it’s just a very well made and fun movie 🙂

Key word being FUN. The horror in Get Out comes in many forms and works on different levels. It’s all here: jump-scares, mood, atmosphere, macabre, blood, gore, and a few ‘WTF!’ moments in a very well-balanced and well-paced movie. Really though what more can you ask for? It’s just a fun movie from start to finish.

As a horror movie buff I must point out I can the  John Carpenter/George Romero influence, and that’s a GOOD thing.  And, while not an entirely original concept (there are some trace elements of Being John Malkovich, itself a mind-bender of a movie), it’s definitely a breath of fresh air.

The casting is pitch-perfect! First off, did Allison Williams play the role of Down Azz White Girl to a T or WHAT? 😀 I mean, damn…she IS cute as all fuck, but…

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– I can see how son fell for her cute azz (got himself caught up in some SHIT too). But…

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It’s all in the eyes. Gotta watch them crazy eyes! Funny thing is, I know chicks like her in real life 😛

Bradley Whitfield, who I last saw in the superbly awesome horror romp ‘Cabin in the Woods‘ – (which is on my list of Favorites) plays the White Liberal Dad who tries too hard to show he accepts his white daughter’s Black BF. But…..he comes across as a little TOO cool. And we soon find out why….

Then there’s Caleb Landry, who I last saw as a decent Banshee in X-Men First Class, plays the white GF’s brother, but – is he the ‘Crazy Cool or Crazy Crazy’ Brother? Hmm…

Shout-out to Keith ‘Don’t call me LaKeith anymore’ Stanfield!

Keith+Stanfield

This guy just owns whatever role he takes (Selma, Dope, Compton, Atlanta). Talk about RANGE! Bruh is a nice talent who just outgrew whatever the heck Donald Glover was paying him for Atlanta. Really, at this point the character of Darius seems a bit…beneath his level. His Atlanta salary would be a friendly favor.

And finally, let’s give a warm shout-out to Lil Rey Howery! I have NO idea who this brotha is but he damn near stole the show! Lil Rey’s character basically plays EVERY BLACK PERSON IN ANY HORROR MOVIE haha 😀 He is the best friend brought a level of (comical) common sense to the White People madness. That homey who got your back despite your foolishness. His character was my favorite in the movie!

In the end, Get Out is a definite crowd-pleaser and well worth a watch. This is one of those movies best seen in a full theater or with friends. Plenty of laugh out loud and enough WTF moments that will have you talking about it after the credits roll 🙂

4 out of 5 stars

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Trying to finish Iron Fist.

What it do, world!

I know, I know…its been a week, and you guys miss me. Don’t fret, here i am to bring you the goodness. But first, coffee!

coffee-mug

And now i have to remove my pants. Because shorts are more comfortable. And I’m a grown-ass man. Comfort is everything these days, am i right?

So, about this Iron Fist show…

Its ok.

Not the exactly the best offering from Marvel after following Luke Cage and Daredevil season 2. Don’t get me wrong, the story line is good. A slow build like Cage and Jessica Jones, but I’m not so sure on the plot. Its like the producers took a step backward somewhere. I understand that this is a shared universe with the television show and movie aspects, but rarely do they mention it. A subtle reference to the big green guy isn’t going to cut it. But i do like the fact that they give us more insight into The Hand.

It delves into the story more so than Daredevil did. I am assuming this is going to lead up to the Defenders team up/build up. I also believe that The Rza should’ve directed every episode, as he delivered one of the best ones of the season. I like Finn Jones, his acting is great, but he should definitely tone up before the Defenders drops. I mean, 15 years of studying kung-fu and fighting and sparring everyday should develop a body with .05 percent body fat. Finn is toned, but not ripped, like his comic counterpart.

Rosario Dawson should be given top billing in this series. she’s in over half the episodes and I’m pretty sure she is going to be the glue that brings them all together. does anyone else want ice cream right now?

Ice_Cream_dessert_02

ooh, sparkly things!! 😀
      I have the attention span of my 5-year old daughter. I stopped typing to check out the lady who delivers my mail. she’s an attractive woman. Nice thighs.
       Maybe i should start my third career as a photographer and create a calendar. Do people still buy calendars anymore??? I’m a dinosaur, so i do. Sometimes, you just have to go analog is this day and age. (I say this as i type on a computer, and not a typewriter or a telegraph.) … [insert laughing emoji here]
 
 So everyone is all about social media now.
       I’m also about it – the daily checks of Snapchat, tumblr, Twitter (for those who use it still) and occasionally, thefacebook. I am fond of tumblr as a close second behind Snapchat. Unicorns!
 Unicorn-Puking

yup, this is how is end this post. a vomiting unicorn.

Love, peace, and hair grease!

Friday

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2017…finally a post from Friday!

It happened last week.

All it took was a phone call. Its not like Jay and I don’t talk. We communicate quite frequently. But he said the words I needed to hear, ‘The blog world needs us. They need us two “blerds” back at doing what they do best‘. Entertain the masses with witty rhetoric, game changing predictions, information on the current status of the geek world news, and of course, glorious pics to keep your attention on our page.

Image result for domino marvel

             Last year gave us some hits and misses. And i had to break out the old “How to Type” books just to refresh my memory on how to do this properly for you guys. I’m used to doing things on my phone nowadays like the rest of the robots; at one point i even had an app on my phone so i could post on the go! Well, two kids, two careers (I’m a full time chef now), two states later, two cars and I’m right back in it like i never left. Kind of sort of like Mase. Only if i could get the goddamed pic to load. I almost thought i could get through the entire 1st paragraph without using any foul language.

Almost.

         So, without going into too much of the dwelling on the past, lets look forward to the new 2017 movies.  i mean, who’s not excited to see some major baddies on the big screen this year? Although i don’t think The Vulture is a MAJOR bad guy, he has given the web-head some trouble. But Micheal Keaton is an amazing actor and the fact that Marvel is running this is going to bring some fresh new perspective to the character. GOTG vol. 2 is going to delve into the characters and bring us more hilarity, plus BABY GROOT!!!!!

guardiansofthegalaxy2-babygroot-detonator1

Guaranteed to be the next hot Halloween costume.

Come to think about it, i should’ve put some stock in Marvel back when they were trying to sell books when everyone else was gearing up for TV.

         Don’t get me wrong, DC has done a great job of pretending to catch up, but time after time they fail to deliver us a solid hit. Honestly, its time to take a page from Marvel and use in house talent combined with visionary directors (James Gunn came out of nowhere and delivered a sci fi hit!) and producers with deep pockets. I’m most excited for Black Adam out of the current list of movies on the back burner, Wonder Woman notwithstanding.

      Ok folks, I’m done ranting for now. I have to go adult, which was a difficult transition for me. Used to being a one man wolfpack. Yeah, i just dropped a ‘Hangover’ reference on you.

snootchies!

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